The Holy Romano-Euro-Narnian Church*

 *Any resemblance with the European Commission is purely accidental

In the name of Flexicurity, Synergies, Mainstreaming and Holy Baroso-laan may the enlighten Queen in charge of us Re(a)ding, Housing, Employment and Health[1] lead you towards the meadows of Euro-Heaveeeen.

This is how the Roma sermon in Euro-Narnia opens and closes. Sermons are dogmatic and strictly reflect the Ten Commandments. Those Commandments were delivered during the Second Revelation at the Summit of Roma in the land of Cordoba. The Queen came with them written on golden papers – when she spoke, angels sang, the peasants fell back into their chairs, pigs flew and some high-level officials woke up. Engulfed in the flames of passion and hair-dye she delivered this message to us:

We, the holy trinity of the President Barosolan and Vice-President on Roma issues and the enlighten Seniors, are your Lords that took you out of slavery in the Eastern Lands and allowed you free travel and access to the wealth and wonders of the West. These are your Commandments

1. Thou shalt listen to no other Lords before us.
2. Thou shalt not think for yourself, listen or get involved in the work of any others, especially critically-minded experts or community workers; for WE the Lords are jealous and fast to punish any thinking outside the Framework and Mechanisms we bestowed upon you. Thou shalt show us love and praise us continuously as we will give blessings to those and those alone that keep our commandments.
3. Thou shalt cherish and praise the names and the words of the Lords, and show unconditional faith in our Holy thoughts. This will prevent you from ending up disgraced and working at the grassroots level in Roma communities or ghettoes.
4. Thou shalt remember and celebrate the Day we spoke to you. Keep that Day of the week as a day to hone your skills for praising and obeying us.
5. Thou shalt honor your Queen and your Lords as we are your true Mother and Father – this will ensure you a long and successful career in Euro-Narnia.
6. Thou shall not criticize anything that comes from us.
7. Thou shall not doubt our measures – we are always right.
8. Thou shall not perceive or comment on anything that might appear to you as plagiarism, waste of money, structural racism, ineptitude or plain arrogance. The Meadows of Heavenly Euro-Narnia will be reserved for you, the poor and ignorant.
9. Thou shall not be a witness against Euro-Narnia. You can be a false witness against anybody else.
10. 10.  Thou shall not covet anything we have – power, hugely undeserved salaries, honors, praises and benefits. Those will corrupt your souls. Repent and pray to us whenever such thoughts cross your minds.

The holy books of positive practices, open method of coordination, flagship initiatives, Lisbon and EU 2020 strategies, reporting, assessing and monitoring are the living texts among the Euro-Narnians dealing with us the peasants.

The saintly Queen and Seniors (Director Generals and Directors) – we call them the Magnificent Cardinals for Roma – are the preferred choices for opening any Roma Sermon in Euro-Narnia. Regardless of their professional lives outside Euro-Narnia, the Magnificent Cardinals can talk about anything. The sacred ritual through which they know so much about everything, even if it contradicts their human experience, is called the Holy Sense and Harmony Ingenuity Transfer,  better known as the Holy S.H.I.T. ritual. This ritual allows the Magnificent Cardinals to give us short and specific advice about what is best for us the peasants.

Once the Sermon starts the Magnificent Cardinals are brief. They bless us with their presence and leave without any interaction. Such interactions are well known to be highly toxic for their Holinesses. Only low-level Euro-Narnians can interact with peasants,  and even they will need to go through serious purification rituals afterwards – 50 repetitions of the Saint Shuman and Spinelli prayer:

Forgive me Holy Saints for my sins. I listened to the pagans. I took notice of what they said. I was exposed to their despicable and unholy hands-on experience with the problems of Roma. Their Holy S.H.I.T -incompatible thinking based on their many years of experience soiled me. The Euro-Narnian way is the only way. The Queen’s way is my way. Harmony, Ingenuity and as much stalling, spinning and paying for good media as possible is the way to solve the problems. We are the Lords’ appointed rulers of Roma. We know what they need.

Experts, and especially Roma experts, need to be kept as silent as possible; they should have no more than 10% speaking time during Sermons about them. Even a small increase could create a permanent disturbance in the force, and invalidate the sacred ritual.

Only low-level bureaucrats (also called The Choir) can share the body of Barosolan and a glass of his grapey blood with the peasants. The Magnificent Cardinals can not, as that would bring shame to the empire.

The Magnificent Cardinals are inspired. Their words cannot be judged, but require Absolute Faith. Any challenge to the perfectness of the existing rules, Structural Funds, structures is apostasy and punishable by excommunication.